I write silly, entertaining essays. Sometimes by being myself, you know, funny (har), I alienate some people. These were a few select lines on a process essay on how to make a paper hat:
"We understand that everyone has a role model, or at least someone that they like to emulate. Many people choose to emulate the pope. I mean, who doesn't like to wear all white and dress in robes? After we're done, you'll be dressed in style, with an excellent, stylish, and authentic pope hat."
"You now have an excellent replica of a pope hat. If you want to make it truly authentic, you can even paint it white. After reading this, you should be able to successfully make your own Pope hat out of old newspaper. Who needs to recycle when you can make your own pope hat and pretend you're in Italy ruling over millions of Catholics all over the world. Some day, perhaps even you can be pope. You already have the hat for it. Stay tuned for next time when we tell you how to replicate the pope-mobile."
I just hope that the teacher wasn't catholic, which she almost definately was, or at least that she wasn't offended or anything. That would be lame.
Here are a few gems from my "how to eat an oreo cookie" process essay:
"The first step in having an intimate, and lasting experience with your Oreo of choice, whether it be double stuff, holiday, or classic, is to rip open the package."
"At this point you should have one cookie with twice the amount of frosting recommended by the FDA"
"Now, be prepared. You must slowly try to put as many Oreos into your mouth as you can. Then, once you have crammed at least six Oreos into your mouth, tilt your head back. While your mouth is kept open from the massive amount of Oreos contained within, pour milk into your mouth until it just reaches your lips again. Let the Oreos soak and slowly drip down the back of your throat. This may sound a little extreme, but it will be completely worth it."